Emotional Eating

I've been eating my feelings today.  That's something I haven't done in a LONG LONG time.

It just shows me that I am still a fat girl in my head sometimes and I have to try harder to fight it.  That's why I'm here now, blogging.  To keep me from putting another piece of food in my mouth.  I don't even know where it all fit.  Before noon I had eaten

A piece of french toast

Chobani flips yogurt

Meat and Cheese Lunchable

A small piece of Broccoli Chicken Cheddar quiche

Where the hell did all that food fit?!

I don't know, but it went somewhere....

I got upset today over family stuff.  Basically, I had offered a bedroom set built by my great grandfather to my aunt and uncle.  I simply don't have room for it and getting rid of it was breaking my heart, but my son needs a nursery more than I need to keep that furniture.  I wanted to keep it in the family, so I offered it to this aunt and uncle who has pretended to be supportive during my pregnancy, but I now have a suspicion that it truly was just an act.

I offered this furniture to them over a month ago, and they still haven't come to get it.  It's been sitting in my garage for over a month waiting on them to come get it.  My water heater burst last week, flooding my garage, so I asked them to try to make a trip to get it out of the water, they told me to move it somewhere dry.  If I had anywhere dry to put it, I wouldn't be giving it away.  That's beside the point.  Anyway, they went to my father yesterday and told him I was giving it away, and also lied telling him I had gotten rid of all of my grandmother's crystal some time ago.  I gave a few pieces away 2 summers ago because I thought it was a nice thing to share with my female cousins, but I kept most of it.  Regardless, them telling my dad all of this did not help an already very unfortunate situation, I was called an ungrateful bitch, etc.  It just gets so frustrating trying to do the right thing and feeling shit on for it.

I know I was trying to do the right thing, so what anyone else thinks shouldn't matter, but it hurts my feelings.  I feel betrayed.  I feel like doing the right thing is useless.  But I know it's not.  And I know I'm still the better person.

Putting this here may only temporarily stop the emotional eating, but I'm hoping this emotional purge will help.

33/34 weeks update

The last week or so has been a complete whirlwind!

Last Friday my mom came to town for our baby shower weekend and then Saturday Mr. Banker's parents arrived.  It was so amazing for them to finally meet, and it all went really well.  Of course it sucks that my father wasn't there, but I guess this is just a fact of life that I will have to come to terms with.

We went to dinner with his parents, my mom, and my grandmother Saturday night and that was very nice.  We took them to Ruth's Chris and it occurred to me that I really just don't care about food that much anymore.  I didn't care what I ate or where (except that I did not want to go to this all-you-can-eat Brazilian buffet Mr. Banker suggested--for obvious reason).  That's a huge change in my life over the last 3 years that I am very thankful for.  I don't crave food and I can eat the same thing for days if I need to because it's for nourishment more than enjoyment now.

Our baby shower was Sunday and it was so wonderful.  We had so many friends and family there to show their love and support for us and for Xavier.  I may be partial, but it was one of the best showers I've been to.

A photo from the shower, 33 weeks pregnant.

The letters spelling XAVIER behind us were painted for the nursery by Mr. Banker's best friend.

I can't wait to get the letters hung in his room.

House updates with Photos

Hi!

Although not weight loss related, a few of you asked to see updates to my home I've been doing.

In August, I began by tearing out the laminate in the kitchen and bathrooms, and tile flooring was installed. My kitchen also got a backsplash.

My upstairs carpet was removed and we put back laminate hardwoods. They're so easy to clean and look beautiful!  You can see them pictured in the crib photo below.

We painted our bedroom grey with a darker grey accent wall. I changed the bedding and we hung Mr Bankers picture of NY above our bed. It definitely feels more like "our" room now, and not just mine.

For the nursery, we painted the room grey with a teal accent wall. It's not finished, but the baby bedding arrived yesterday and it's so beautiful that I was literally in tears. Call it hormones or whatever, but I couldn't help realizing how real this is, and that Xavier is coming soon when I saw it. Mr Banker picked the bedding and I'm so happy with his choice. I wouldn't have picked it because it was much more expensive than I would have wanted to pay, but I absolutely love it.

32 Weeks Pregnant

Hi everyone, just wanted to stop in with a quick pregnancy/weight update.

So... I'm still lighter than I was the day I found out I was pregnant, but I have watched the scale creep up slightly and that is hard!  SO HARD!

Above is a picture I took Friday at 32 weeks.  It's insane, I hardly even look pregnant at all.  7.5 weeks left, hopefully I can stay under my pre-pregnancy weight in the next 7.5 weeks!

A Love Without End

"Let me tell you a secret about a father's love...A secret that my daddy said was just between us.

Daddies don't just love their children every now and then, it's a love without end, Amen."

Believe it or not, I loved country music as a child.  That doesn't fit me now, but it would've if you knew a 7 year old Hollee.  The above lyrics come from a George Strait song that I loved as a kid.  Even as a child, that song could bring me to tears, and now I believe that somewhere inside I always knew it would be difficult with my dad.

No matter what, I always said that no matter how different we were (or as some say, polar opposite in beliefs but two of a kind in stubbornness), that I got lucky.  I had a father who always made sure I had everything I needed.  He sacrificed for me and my mother when we needed it.  He sold his beloved jeeps when I was 4 years old to put my mom through her nursing program.  When I was 22 and got kicked out of my living arrangement and decided to buy a home on short notice, he sold his extra vehicle so that I didn't have to decide to sell my classic car for a down payment on my home.  That is just the kind of man that my dad is.

But even with his good qualities, his bad ones can far outshine them.

My dad hasn't spoken to me since the day that I told my parents that I'm pregnant.  His hateful words about me getting pregnant on purpose just to ruin HIS happiness and how Mr. Banker would leave us like black men do were hard enough.  As the months have passed, those wounds have only gotten deeper as I realize that my son won't get to know his grandfather.  And I can't help the tears that begin to stream down my face as I think of how I will explain to Xavier when he gets old enough to wonder why he doesn't know his grandfather.

Random Update- Life, Pregnancy (Week 27), Weight

Man oh Man!  Almost a month since my last post!  I remember when I couldn't make it a week without posting.  Life has gotten busier and I am guessing it will only continue to do so once Baby Xavier is here.

Mr. Banker and I have been beyond busy.  We are getting the house ready for a new baby and that is a lot of work!  We're also just updating some things in my house that I should've done before and never did.  We put laminate hardwoods upstairs because I couldn't stand the idea of my baby crawling around on carpet (since I have dogs...yuck!) and did tile in the kitchen and bathrooms.  We painted our bedroom and put up curtains in all of the room of the house.  It is looking like a new house!  Mr. Banker's parents are coming to visit for our baby shower, so we are working hard to get everything updated before their visit next month.

Last week I went to Disney World with my cousin and her kids.  It was just a one-day trip but it was my first time at Disney World (you all may remember that I experienced Disney Land for the first time last year).  Here's a photo from our trip:

As you can see, I don't look too far along at all still, and haven't gained any weight.  No one can believe it when I tell them I'm 7 months pregnant!  But I definitely am and in a few short months we will have a sweet baby boy on the scene!

We got to see the 3D image of our baby last week as well, and he looks like Mr. Banker's little clone.  I swear I have never felt such love for anything as I did when I saw my baby, and it even made me love Mr. Banker more deeply, seeing him in my son.  It's the craziest feeling I've ever experienced.  Scary and beautiful all at once.

That's all I really have to report on the life, baby, and weight loss (or really maintenance, rather) front.  At some point after baby Xavier arrives, I would love to have a brachioplasty.  I hate my arms, you can see in the above photo how bad they are.  The skin just hangs.  But I guess it's a consequence that I have to live with from getting to 345 pounds, until I can afford to fix it.

Revision Recap

So it's been 10 months now and for some reason, at this time, I feel very compelled to re-tell my revision story.  Why did I do it?  What is it like?  Am I satisfied?  Maybe all this is coming up because the revision rate among the bloggers I began with is INCREDIBLY high.  I have also been asked 5-6 times recently in a facebook support group about my experience, so here I am documenting it all again in one post.

I had lap band surgery on 17September2012.  I had read lots of blogs and forums about the lap band, but I wasn't really prepared for my own personal experience.  I wasn't prepared for all the throwing up.  I mean, it was really a daily thing for me.  If I didn't get sick during the course of a day, that was akin to a miracle.  Then, after about a year, I couldn't get my restriction right with the normal 4-6 week fills.  I was literally getting a fill every 2 weeks in an attempt to maintain the 100 pounds I'd lost.  I spent a lot of time fearing food... was I going to eat too much?  Was it going to make me sick?  Was I going to get that painful 'stuck-in-my chest, can't breathe' feeling?

So I began the revision process and it took 3 appeals to finally get approval.  I was an emotional wreck during that 6 months, but I finally got the approval and I was so happy.  I actually planned to revise to RNY on my doctor's recommendation, but that provided further insurance hurdles and I revised to sleeve to avoid losing my approval.

The surgery itself was quite easy.  Not much pain and I healed so well.  It was definitely easier revising to the sleeve than my initial lap band surgery.

So here we are 10 months later and I'm so happy.  The weight loss hasn't been phenomenal.  I'm about 60 pounds down from what I was at the revision surgery and only 20 pounds from my goal weight.  I'm not going to complain about that considering I'm 6 months pregnant.

The REAL difference though is my quality of life.  I never worry about how the weather will affect my tool.  All of you who are banded know that things like PMS, weather, waking up on the wrong side of the bed, etc. can make that fickle bitch of a band tighten up like you couldn't have imagined.  So no more worrying about that.  I don't fear food.  I never throw up after eating.  It's a whole new world.  The sleeve is everything I THOUGHT the band was going to be.  It's perfect.  There is still a small part of me that wishes I'd gotten the RNY just because weight loss is more rapid and it prevents acid reflux, but overall, I'm so happy.  I wish I'd done the sleeve or RNY initially.  The Lap Band just really wasn't a good option for me.